What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

Building a Stronger Relationship

Written by Tretbar Therapy

Updated 2 weeks ago

If you and your partner are looking for a research-based approach to improve your relationship, manage conflict more effectively, and deepen your intimacy, you may have encountered Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this highly respected method is based on decades of research with thousands of couples. It aims to provide partners with practical skills and insights to build a healthier, more satisfying long-term relationship.

Understanding Gottman Method Couples Therapy

Gottman Method Couples Therapy is grounded in extensive scientific research observing what makes relationships succeed or fail. Drs. John and Julie Gottman identified specific behaviors and patterns that distinguish happy, stable couples from those who struggle or eventually separate.

The therapy focuses on helping couples:

• Increase friendship, fondness, and admiration.
• Enhance romance and intimacy.
• Manage conflict constructively.
• Create shared meaning and life purpose together.
• Process and heal from past hurts or betrayals.

It's a structured, goal-oriented, and scientifically-informed approach to relationship improvement.

Key Concepts in the Gottman Method

The Gottman Method incorporates several core concepts and models:

1. The Sound Relationship House Theory: This is a foundational model that outlines seven "floors" or levels necessary for a strong relationship, built upon a foundation of trust and commitment:
   • Build Love Maps: Knowing your partner's inner world (hopes, fears, joys, stresses).
   • Share Fondness and Admiration: Expressing appreciation and respect.
   • Turn Towards Instead of Away: Responding positively to your partner's "bids" for connection.
   • The Positive Perspective: Viewing your partner and relationship positively, giving the benefit of the doubt.
   • Manage Conflict: Learning to identify and counteract destructive patterns, and engage in gentle, respectful dialogue. This includes understanding solvable vs. perpetual problems.
   • Make Life Dreams Come True: Supporting each other's individual aspirations and creating shared dreams.
   • Create Shared Meaning: Developing a rich relationship culture with shared rituals, goals, and symbols.
2. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: These are four destructive communication patterns identified by Dr. John Gottman that predict relationship failure if they become habitual:
   • Criticism: Attacking your partner's character instead of addressing a specific behavior.
   • Contempt: Expressing disgust or disrespect (e.g., sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling). This is considered the most damaging.
   • Defensiveness: Blaming your partner or making excuses instead of taking responsibility.
   • Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down, or refusing to engage. Gottman therapy teaches couples the "antidotes" to these patterns.
3. Bids for Connection: Small or large attempts to get your partner's attention, affection, or support. How partners respond to these bids is crucial for building emotional connection.
4. Emotional Bank Account: Metaphor for building positive sentiment in the relationship through small, everyday positive interactions.
5. Conflict Management vs. Conflict Resolution: Acknowledging that many relationship problems are "perpetual" (ongoing). The goal is to learn to manage these with humor and understanding, rather than necessarily "solving" them.

Who Can Benefit from Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

This approach is designed for couples at all stages of their relationship, including:

• Premarital couples wanting to build a strong foundation.
• Couples experiencing communication difficulties or frequent arguments.
• Partners feeling emotionally distant or disconnected.
• Couples dealing with specific issues like infidelity, financial stress, or parenting disagreements.
• Those wanting to deepen their intimacy and friendship.
• Couples seeking to recover from significant relationship distress.

What Does Gottman Method Therapy Look Like?

Gottman Method therapy typically involves a structured process:

1. Assessment Phase: This is a thorough process that usually includes:
   • A joint session with the couple to discuss their history and goals.
   • Individual sessions with each partner.
   • Completion of extensive questionnaires (like the Gottman Relationship Checkup) to assess various aspects of the relationship.
2. Feedback Session: The therapist shares the assessment results, identifying the relationship's strengths and areas for improvement, and collaboratively develops a treatment plan.
3. Therapeutic Interventions: Subsequent sessions involve learning and practicing specific skills and exercises based on the Sound Relationship House model and addressing identified problem areas. This can include:
   • Learning to use "gentle start-up" for difficult conversations.
   • Practicing active listening and validation.
   • Exercises to increase fondness and admiration.
   • Learning to repair interaction after conflict.
   • Developing rituals of connection.
4. "Homework": Couples are often given exercises to practice between sessions to integrate new skills into their daily lives.

Benefits of Gottman Method Couples Therapy

Couples who engage in Gottman Method therapy can experience:

• Improved communication and reduced destructive conflict.
• Increased affection, respect, and closeness.
• Greater understanding of each other's needs and perspectives.
• Enhanced emotional and physical intimacy.
• Stronger problem-solving skills.
• A deeper sense of connection and partnership.
• Tools to maintain a healthy relationship long-term.

Is Gottman Method Therapy Right for Us?

This approach might be a good fit if:

• You and your partner are committed to improving your relationship.
• You appreciate a research-based, structured approach.
• You are willing to complete assessments and practice new skills.
• You want to learn practical tools to enhance friendship, manage conflict, and build shared meaning.

It's important to work with a therapist who has completed official training in the Gottman Method.